Love, Pomegranate House

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Getting Personal {Part One} – I always knew it was coming…

I’ve been wanting to write this post for a long time but I was always afraid to do just that. I didn’t know what feelings I would be unearthing (btw, its lots of tears) or how all of you would react. But a big part of my change of heart was wanting to share more of myself and wanting to be less afraid of what I share. So here I go. Be gentle with my heart, friends.

Infertility

My desire to write this post started out with me wanting to share with all of you my journey to become gluten free. But as I began thinking about my decision to become gluten free, I realized that my story wasn’t simply about food. It was more about my journey of infertility. And as terrifying as it is to write this post, I know I am not alone. Though often, I feel very, very alone. Infertility is not something that people talk about. I guarantee that at least one couple you know is struggling with infertility. But you might not know it. The culture of shame and pain behind infertility is what keeps most of us quiet. But we have no reason to be ashamed. One of the things that has helped me the most is wonderful, dear friends who have opened up to me to let me know that they have or are going through the beast of infertility right beside me. In case you don’t have those friends, I’ll be that friend for you. That is what made me truly decide to write this post. For all of us who feel alone. And more importantly, that is why I will hit that terrifying “publish” button.

I’ve always wanted to be a mother. Always. When I was 5 years old I would volunteer in the nursery at our church so I could hold the babies. At 10 years old I became the child that parents would bring their infant to during church so they would sleep. I was told I had “that special touch”. I would play house with friends and I would always be the mom. I helped my mom take care of the children at our at-home-daycare. When I went to college, I wanted to be a pediatrician. Later, when I changed my major to nursing, I dove headfirst into my love of motherhood – labor and delivery. All this to say that I’m what most people would call a “baby person”. I love kids. I can’t get enough of my nieces and nephews.

When I was 16, I started seeing an OBGYN to help us figure out why my periods were so irregular. They had always been. 28 days one time, 90 another. After many blood tests and ultrasounds their response was, “We have no clue. She will probably outgrow it.” But my instincts kicked in. I had a gut fear that I would have difficulty having kids when the time came.

Fast forward to 2011 when I was 25 years old and newly married. I was on the pill and we had just decided to start trying to conceive. Coincidentally, the day I went off the pill was the 1 year anniversary of my dad’s death. Man, I was a wreck that day. Anywho. After trying and trying and trying some more for 5 months, I worried that something was wrong. After all, everyone in my family got pregnant after only trying for 3 months or so. We decided that it was time for me to go to the doctor and get my lady business checked out. Just to be sure. So that’s just what I did. One cold exam table, stirrups, and a blood test later, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Woo. For those of you who don’t know what that is, it basically means that my thyroid was not functioning as it should be. Why is that a problem? Well, let’s just say that your thyroid basically runs the show. It tells your body when and how much hormones to release. And guess what! If there is one thing your body needs to have a regular period and to get pregnant, it’s hormones! My thyroid was on vacation. I didn’t have nearly as much hormones as I should. But I was relieved to have a diagnosis and felt like we were finally on our way to having children. Besides putting me on thyroid meds, my doctor refused to do anything more saying that it wasn’t technically “infertility” until we had been trying for one full year.

The following months included regular thyroid checks, medication adjustments, ovulation kits, and charting my basal body temperature. None of which helped. But in August 2012, nine months after we had begun trying and only 4 months after being diagnosed with hypothyroidism, we got our first positive pregnancy test. As you can imagine, we were thrilled. But after so many negative tests, it was hard to believe and really scary. I took another test the next day to be sure. It was positive also, but that line was fainter. I called my doctor and went in for a blood test. Two agonizing days later I got the heartbreaking phone call that told me that that we had lost our “little bug” at only 5 weeks. At that point, I knew it was coming but my heart still broke. My worst nightmare was coming true. The fear I had for years was becoming real life.

The tears pours for days and weeks. It wasn’t just the loss of our baby, it was the loss of a future we had already envisioned with our sweet little one. It was fear that we would never have children. It was the physical pain of “passing” our baby. We called and told our families to ask for prayer. They hadn’t even been aware we were trying to conceive. My mom and sister flew out to stay with us for 5 days. It was a great distraction. I always had a feeling that our sweet little bug was a boy even though we don’t know the gender. I still miss him and the life we would have had everyday.

But life continued on… Part 2 coming next week.

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14 thoughts on “Getting Personal {Part One} – I always knew it was coming…

  1. Oh Talitha, I’m so sorry for the loss that you and your husband experienced. It’s amazing the instant bond you can form with that little soul from the very first second you are aware of their existence.

    We tried for over a year and like you said, it was the most alone I had ever felt. Every month I’d be SO sure that it was finally the time and every month was a letdown. I’m praying that part two has a happier ending.

    xoxo
    Jess @ Spool and Spoon recently posted..Navy, Gray, and Aqua Woodland Nursery InspirationMy Profile

  2. Love your heart Talitha. Constantly trying to put others before yourself. Thank you for sharing. Love you.

  3. You are absolutely right, there is some shame in admitting that you struggle with infertility. There were so many parts in your story that felt similar to my own. And you are right, hearing about others stories always helped me. And is the reason I put my story out there too (http://www.wineandglue.com/2013/04/its-friday-cheers-this-is-me-2.html). There really are no right things to say to someone struggling to get pregnant, but I will say a prayer for you. Not that you get pregnant, but that you have peace on this journey.
    Lisa @ Wine & Glue recently posted..Nutella S’mores Ice Cream {No Machine}My Profile

  4. I’m with you all the way, my sweet T. I know your pain and you can talk to me anytime. Those babies are waiting for us in Heaven, mine and yours. What a reunion that will be:)

  5. I am so thankful that you are posting about this. It is a private heartache that so many of us know too well or too little. I especially liked the reason why you are posting: “In case you don’t have those friends, I’ll be that friend for you.” Your friendship is a blessing and my rock. I love you sis.

  6. Oh T, I’m so so sorry!! I know no words can soothe the hurt and I can’t imagine the pain of losing your little bug. Thank you for sharing your heart and your loss. My heart is breaking for you and DP. Love you!

  7. It might take me while to write this “comment” to you. I can only imagine how hard and heart breaking it is for you. I certainly don’t want to say something the wrong way to upset you. It’s hard to write a true sincere feeling sometimes and have it come out the right way.
    I too have hypothyroidism. I was born a month late because my thyroid didn’t work at all. I was 6 weeks old when pediatrician figured out what was wrong with me. That was in Aug. 1940. Not a common disease at all for new borns. Not much known about it at all at that time.
    Now you see articles all over the place about it. There is a doctor in Grand Junction, CO that specializes in it and hormones. He has articles in our little weekly free paper about it often. I’ve thought about going to him, would have to find out if my Medicare would cover it. It is somewhat difficult to find a doctor that really knows about the thyroid, specifically hypothyroidism. I’ve lived with it all my life. So glad you at least were finally diagnosed so you know where to look. Too often when the thyroid test is interpreted by a regular doctor, doesn’t really know how to interpret it correctly.
    We live west of Grand Junction. I saw on your face page you’re living in CO now. Where? Could you possibly get an appt. to see this doctor I mentioned if you don’t live too far away. I’d be happy to get his name and Phone # for you. Who knows, he might have the knowledge you need to have a baby.
    I’ve had 5 children, never had any problem getting pregnant. Had hysterectomy at 31 due to hemhorraging.
    Let me know ok, I’ll be happy to get info you need to see doc I mentioned. I’d be so happy for you if you found what you needed to have baby with this doctor. Happy summer days.

  8. I’m really proud of you, T. SOOO Proud. Proud that you can share your story and proud of your journey on Infertility Island so far. Its a lonely place, this island. And the waves of pain can hit you at the weirdest time. I’m so glad you are opening up more about your journey and reaching out to others who may be staying on Infertility Island too.
    I LOVE you so much.

  9. I am so so sorry that you are struggling with this!!!! 🙁 I definitely don’t know how you feel, but I can relate because it took me a year to get #1 and two years to get #2, and my sister has profound PCOS and is an adoptive mother, although she just had a baby THIS WEEK thanks to the miracle of IVF. I am especially sorry to hear about your miscarriage. How heartbreaking!!!!! 🙁 Thank you for sharing, I know it really helps others when we are open about things because then they know they aren’t alone. You will be in my prayers. Let me know when we can have our grown up playdate!!!

  10. Talitha, I am SO grateful for your incredibly tender heart and willingness to share something so deeply personal. Little did you know that before you ever posted this, that the Lord knew I would be blessed SO richly by it…and you officially are now “one of those people for me” and I hope you know I desire to be that for you as well.

    Bless you, bless you, bless you my sweet sister in Christ.